


Starman

by theonetruenorth



Series: Shadowhunters headcanons [18]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Embedded Images, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sad Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 02:23:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9299906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonetruenorth/pseuds/theonetruenorth
Summary: Alec hung his bow and quiver up in the closet along with his leather jacket, and the song ended and another began. He stopped for a moment, listening to the lyrics about a man waiting in the stars, which didn’t make much sense to Alec. Even so, he was pretty sure hehadheard this song somewhere before.He moved to the living room, where he expected to find his boyfriend. He did not, however, expect to see Magnus sitting on the floor, staring vacantly into space and clutching a handful of wet tissues.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is something I wanted to write for the better part of the last year but never really found the right words. Now, with the anniversary just a couple days ago, I finally feel like I can post it. It’s short, but somewhat personal. It’s not really a tribute because I don’t think I could ever do this brilliant man justice, but it’s… something.
> 
> Beware, sad Magnus ahead.

Alec didn’t think much of the music he heard as soon as he entered Magnus’ apartment.

It wasn’t unusual for the warlock to listen to something while he worked. Sometimes it was classical music, or operas, or even traditional songs from cultures long forgotten. Sometimes it was rock or metal, blasting from the magically enhanced speakers so loudly that the windows shook in their frames. Sometimes it was modern pop, things that Alec had heard playing from mundane phones or performed on the streets or in subway stations. There didn’t seem to be any distinguishable pattern to it, as far as Alec could tell. Magnus just listened to whatever music fit his mood at the time.

Alec hung his bow and quiver up in the closet along with his leather jacket, and the song ended and another began. He stopped for a moment, listening to the lyrics about a man waiting in the stars, which didn’t make much sense to Alec. Even so, he was pretty sure he _had_ heard this song somewhere before.

He moved to the living room, where he expected to find his boyfriend. He did not, however, expect to see Magnus sitting on the floor, staring vacantly into space and clutching a handful of wet tissues.

“Magnus?” Alec was momentarily startled. “What happened?”

The warlock turned his head to look at him. Alec’s breath caught at the sight of his bloodshot eyes, smudged makeup and visible tear tracks on his cheeks.

“Alexander…” Magnus croaked out, his voice small and filled with anguish. As soon as the words left his mouth his face twisted with grief and fresh tears spilled from his eyes.

Alec was by his side in a flash, tumbling down to his knees and gathering Magnus close, letting him hide his face in the crook of his neck and sob his heart out. Alec had no clue what was going on, but it was pretty obvious that something bad had happened. He was whispering to Magnus - all reassuring nonsense and gentle shushing sounds - hoping to calm him down. Magnus had a death grip on Alec shirt, both fists clenched in the fabric and keeping Alec close, holding on for dear life.

Eventually the sobs slowed into great, heaving breaths and then quiet hiccups, before dying out completely. It was only then that Magnus moved away, his fingers unclenching with difficulty. The warlock pressed the already damp tissues to his eyes, wiping off the fresh tears, not minding the makeup that was already ruined beyond all hope.

“What happened?” Alec asked again, softly, as he stroked his fingers over the nape of Magnus’ neck.

“I--” Magnus’ breath hitched once before he inhaled deeply and collected himself. “I’ve just learned that one of my friends passed away today.”

Alec was suddenly reminded of the state that Magnus was when Ragnor Fell died and how much Magnus mourned for him, once things quieted down and he actually had time to process his death.

“I’m so sorry,” Alec said, shuffling a little closer to press a kiss to Magnus’ temple. “Were they a warlock as well?”

“No,” Magnus sighed, the tissue still pressed into his eyes. It was smudged with kohl and eyeshadow and Alec spotted the tissue box on the coffee table next to them. He managed to reach it without letting go of Magnus and offered it to his boyfriend.

“No,” Magnus repeated once he banished the wet tissues with a flick of his fingers and used the new, dry ones to wipe at his eyes, “there was some Seelie ancestry somewhere in his bloodline, which is why he had the Sight, but he was a mundane. Though he was probably the least ordinary mundane that I have ever met.”

Magnus’ voice was still unsteady but for the moment his eyes were dry. He reached for the stack of old vinyl records he had on the floor next to him and thumbed delicately over one of the covers.

“Is that him singing?” Alec asked, putting the clues together.

“I met him in London while he was on tour, in 1972,” Magnus whispered, his eyes still locked on the colorful cover. “He saw me performing magic even though I had a glamour up. He was intrigued. And I wanted to get closer to him, since I adored his music. We became inseparable for a bit, and I spent the rest of the tour travelling with him.” Magnus sighed. “The seventies were… a different time. I spent it on parties, getting drunk and living dangerously. He was very much the same, and we got along splendidly.”

“Sounds like you knew him a very long time.”

“I did. After some time I had enough of the crazy life and returned to New York. And then the Circle happened. He continued on with his career, got married, had children, made his music, made movies...but we stayed in contact, through phone calls and emails mostly.”

Magnus’ face crumpled once more.

“He didn’t tell me that he had cancer.” Magnus turned his teary eyes to look at Alec and he was visibly holding back from falling apart again. “He knew what I could do. I could have helped him. Why didn’t he say anything?” He inhaled shakily. “We hadn't really talked in a long while, but he knew about my immortality. He knew that for me years often blend into a blur and I have trouble staying in touch, sometimes...”

“Magnus…”

“I could have helped him,” Magnus dabbed at his eyes again, “I could have done _something_.”

“Magnus,” Alec said gently, “as far as I know even warlock magic can’t cure cancer…”

“I still could have helped,” Magnus said, a little angrily as he glared at Alec. “I could have given him more time. Made him more comfortable.”

“ _Or_ maybe you would have worn yourself thin trying to come up with a solution to an impossible problem,” Alec countered. “And you would have blamed yourself for not doing more, for not being better. If he really knew you that well, he would have known that you wouldn’t rest until you had fixed everything, even though there was nothing you could've done.”

Magnus pursed his lips into a thin, unhappy line and looked away.

Alec gathered his boyfriend close once more when Magnus shuddered. “And maybe he didn’t want you to slowly suffer through losing another friend. It sounds like he lived an eventful, rich life and you were a part of it. Maybe...he felt that it was his time to go.”

And it was as good explanation as any. Alec knew that older warlocks tended to lose their connection to the mortal world, once they reached certain age. Warlocks younger than Magnus were already lost to it, to the apathy that gradually overtook them. They couldn’t find any joy in life itself. They stopped feeling sadness or loss. They continued to exist but they weren’t _alive_ , not really.

The fact that Magnus _could_ still feel grief was astounding. Alec knew that it was getting harder and harder as the centuries went by, but this amazing, ageless man still had compassion and love and trust and he still had space in his heart for grief.

Alec loved him, so very, very much.

But he couldn't help but think about what was going to happen to Magnus once Alec himself passed away. He did not want Magnus’ heart to turn to stone. But that was a conversation for another time, when Magnus wasn’t so upset and vulnerable.

“You don’t even have any idea who I am talking about, do you?” Magnus whispered with a quiet huff of amusement, and Alec was happy to hear even that tiny hint of humor back in his voice.

“Not really, no,” Alec admitted, not really bothered by his lack of pop culture knowledge. “Will you tell me about him?”

Magnus sniffed, dabbing at the corners of his eyes one more time to make sure they were dry. He scooted on the floor until they were pressed together again, Magnus’ head on Alec’s chest and Alec’s arm around Magnus’ shoulders.

“Yes,” Magnus said as he closed his eyes and listened to the beat of Alec’s heart for a moment. It was reassuringly strong and steady. “Let me tell you about David.”

**Author's Note:**

> Every fic in this series is first posted to my tumblr and I usually upload it to AO3 with a delay. If you want to read my stories as soon as I finish them, follow me there: theonetruenorth.tumblr.com
> 
> Beta-read by [brizzbee](http://brizzbee.tumblr.com/)


End file.
